The Power of Lowering Your Defenses

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others can be difficult to do, but it is important that we do it. Being vulnerable allows us to let other people into our hearts. We create real human connections through our vulnerability. We often think that putting up walls will protect ourselves from getting hurt by other people but by building walls we are only hurting ourselves. We need other people in our life to help us to laugh and smile in times of darkness. We need human connection to complete us.

I would like to share a story about how lowering my defenses has helped me:

In my last two years of college, I transferred to Brigham Young University Idaho to get my Bachelor’s degree. When I was looking for a place to live, my best friend of eleven years, Kjersti, invited me to join her apartment. Gleefully, I accepted this offer. In addition to Kjersti and I, we had four other roommates that we became close with during our first semester together. Because we greatly enjoyed each other’s company, we would always do roommate activities together. We would have pajama movie nights, sleepovers in the living room and trips to Idaho Falls. I got incredibly close with one of the four roommates. I even shared personal things with her. I thought this would be a friendship that would last a lifetime.

However, for unknown reasons, our roommates began to distance themselves from Kjersti and I, the following semester. We had no idea why. The roommate I became close with, seemed as though she didn’t want anything to do with me. When I had asked her to go to Idaho Falls with me, she said she was unable to go and then went to Idaho Falls with our other roommate. I asked her a few times if Kjersti and I had offended her in any way or if we had done something wrong but she would say that we had done nothing wrong and we were simply growing apart. Despite this, I believed I had done something wrong because every time I entered our living room, she and the other roommates would glare at me. They all seemed to be angry at Kjersti and I. The apartment used to be a comfortable place with fun and laughter but quickly turned into a place of contention and anger. I went over it a thousand times in my head and couldn’t understand what had happened. No one would explain to me what I could have done to hurt them. I felt awful. After these four roommates moved out, I hardened my heart and put up walls. Due to this, I went into a depressive state.

Shortly after, we got two new roommates who were incredibly sweet. They wanted to become friends with Kjersti and I. However, I refused to hangout with them or get to know them. I didn’t want to become their friends because I was afraid to get my heart broken again. Instead, I would isolate myself in my room. I became cold and distant. I blamed others for my isolation. For instance, I blamed my previous roommates for hardening my heart. It was clear to many people that I was not myself. Several people would ask me if I was okay. Instead of viewing this as a sincere inquiry of my emotional well-being, I perceived it as one of malicious intent. Even though my character was much like an ice queen, one of the new roommates, Diana, never gave up on me. Despite my attempts to isolate myself, she was incredibly kind and caring towards me. She would often invite me to do things with her, and made sure that I knew my worth. She didn’t have to do this. She could have easily pushed me away as I did her, but she didn’t. Diana always went out of her way to help broken souls like myself. Her defenses were constantly lowered. She had no need for them. She, like Kjersti, thawed my frozen heart. Little by little, she helped me to become myself again. Eventually, I started to lower my defenses and when I did, I gained a really great friend who has become one of my best friends. This act of lowering my defenses has helped me to conquer my depression. She helped me to see that being vulnerable was not a weakness but rather a strength. I’m incredibly grateful for this experience and for her.

Conclusion:

Lowering our defenses isn't an easy thing to do. We can let our pride get in the way of connecting with other people and building lasting relationships. It’s okay to feel heartbroken and to be disappointed that a friendship didn’t work out but we shouldn’t allow it to harden our hearts. Think about the amazing people in your life. Would you have built relationships with them, had you kept your defenses up? Would they be an important part of your life today? The answer is no. Allow yourself to love and to be loved.