Live For Yourself and Love it

Expectations, although often helpful can be incredibly difficult. We all have goals for ourselves to become the person we want to become. And we each have to ask ourselves the questions: Who do I want to be? How do I want to live? It can take years of trial and error to figure this out.

Then, there are the expectations that others put on us. We may be expected to study a certain major, take on a certain profession, live a certain way and become a certain person. And although these expectations were given with good intention, it may not be always right for us.

If we were to follow those expectations, sure it can make other's happy but what about ourselves? What about you? What about me? What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to become? How do I want to live my life? Think about if you lived for others... what would your life be like. Would it be miserable or empty? How would you feel?

Parents, grandparents, friends, etc. have great intentions! They want the best for us! I feel incredibly grateful for my parents, friends and my in-laws. They are very supportive and it is my greatest hope that I make them all proud. I don't know what I would do or who I would be without them. With this said, we need to answer these questions for ourselves. We deserve to be happy! That's why we need to live for ourselves.

My Experiences:

I have had to learn this lesson a few times. I am a people-pleaser. I want others to be happy and to be happy with me. I want to please everyone and I especially want to please those closest to me. I couldn't live with their disappointment. The thought of it tears me up on the inside. I absolutely hate letting people down. Even those who don't know me well. It is one of my greatest strengths and weaknesses. Despite this, I have always known that if I were not true to myself, then I would ever be happy.

People, even those I didn't know very well, would tell me who to be, how to live my life, what profession to choose and who to date. Friends of friends, acquaintances, mother's of acquaintances, random people at college, church, in the neighborhood, in band, and even at the dentist office (yes that actually happened. It was awkward to say the least). I take advice to heart, but I also know what is right for me.

Let me share with you a few stories...

The Perfect LDS Girl

For so long I forced myself to believe that I was supposed to be the perfect church girl who married the perfect church boy and had a successful career in music. That's who I thought I was "supposed" to be. But truth be told, I am not perfect. No one is! But we are all trying our best. That's what matters!

I was judged for my clothing, my personality and my family. It hurt me because I was doing the best I could and yet it was not good enough. And it hurt me more-so that someone could look at my family and not see what I see; a beautiful, loving family doing their best.

During a church prom, one mother walked up to me and gestured at my cleavage being covered and said "I'm glad you are finally being modest. It's about time." Her daughter had made some comments prior to that such as "you dressed so immodestly, I I thought you were a convert." I was hurt that people who were considered "angels" would say these nasty things to me in order to encourage me to dress a certain way. And I did because of it. I was very uncomfortable and afraid to be who I was.

I never dressed in a way one would consider very revealing. I was too shy. I grew up in an area that was very hot in the summer and so I would always wear short-shorts (the kind that go to my fingertips) and a cute shirt. Everyone did. My parents would have never let me out of the house with something too revealing. When I moved to this other area it wouldn't get as hot, but I grew up wearing this style and I felt comfortable in it. However, there were some who saw it differently.

Another time, I was 16 years old and about to perform a dance on stage at a church talent show. I wore a black knee-length dress and it did show my shoulders. A mom of another acquaintance ran to me and took her sweater off to cover my shoulders. At the time I didn't know this woman and it made me very uncomfortable that she was touching me and stuffing her sweater in my dress to make it look like it was a part of the dress. I know she had good intentions, but I wished I had kindly told her to get her hands off me.

Later on, there were a small few who suggested that young, sweet 18 year-old Trin was promiscuous, and it hurt my feelings so deeply. Anyone who knew me knew that it was not my nature. I was still watching cartoons and living for the Disney life! (I actually still do this, so I haven't changed too much haha). And I have always loved the Lord. It would have hurt me with great magnitude to disobey Him in such a way. It was evident in the way that I shared my testimony of Him and in the way I lived.

And let me just say that most of the people I met at church were so kind and loving. They have been a great support! Many helped me to move past the distasteful judgements. And honestly, they have helped me so much with my trials. I couldn't have asked for better friends! I share these stories because I took these moments to heart. I took them as a statement that I was not good enough. And it was not true! In fact, I admire the younger version of me. I was so pure, kind and gentle. I hope to be like that version of myself again, with the strength I have now.

Each of us are on our own spiritual journey. We all go through different experiences that shape our spirituality and it's important that each of us find our own spiritual truths in our own time. Not anyone else's. I may not be perfect, but I am doing my best. I am not striving for perfection but striving for progression.

And I love the Lord! I see Him in everything. I see Him in the trees and the sunshine. I see Him in the eyes of my loved ones. I see Him in the smiles of my nieces. I see Him in the talents of others. And I see Him in every aspect of my life. Despite my flaws, my testimony is strong.

The Musician

When I told anyone that I wanted to be a musician I was told to forget about a career in music because that was an unrealistic choice. Some would tell me to make music a career because I was talented and had already put so much effort into it. Others would tell me to be a music teacher because anything other than that in music was unrealistic. And a small few have told to to be a business major because everything else was unrealistic.

I love music! It has gotten me through some hard trials and has blessed me in countless ways! I am a flutist and piano player who enjoys composing. However, through struggling as a music major, I learned that I don't want to be a professional musician. Being a music major was incredibly difficult because the thing I loved most became a chore.

Practicing felt discouraging. "You need to be the Best. Right now so and so is on top and you need to be the be better than her," the professor said. I hated being competitive. I understood the logic behind it but it just sucked the fun out of playing. On the flip side, I loved to collaborate with other flautist because it was fun to work together and become better in that way. But everything was turned into a competition. Even the professors were competitive with each other.

Performing became anxiety inducing. The kind of music I was playing and the way I was performing it just wasn't me. One day, I was performing for my flute class when I had an epiphany. Let me set the stage for you...

The class was in a performing room with very dull lighting. All the girls and one guy were watching me epically fail to perform this song I had practiced non-stop. Although I have a good ear sound and a talent for creation, I lack the skill of rhythm. Which is kind of important for a music major. The professor humiliated me for messing up the rhythm on one part of the song and asked me why I didn't know the story behind the music (I did research it but I guess I had the wrong info).

This wasn't new for me or anyone really. This is normal for any music and band class. Everyone gets picked on and you can't take it personal. However, this day was different. Something was finally ignited in me.

I thought "Is this going to be my life for the next 30 years? Playing a of classical music in random venues for money and hating it? Or competing my way to join an orchestra that plays music that I again hate? Why am I here if all I want to do is create for my own satisfaction? Why do I even want to be a music major?" Originally, my dream was to compose music for films. It took composing music for a low budget film to show me that I don't want to create music under such pressure and not having complete control. Yes, I am a control freak when it comes to music or anything creative.

I knew then and there that I would never be the musician they wanted me to be. And honestly, I didn't want to be the musician they wanted me to be. I was told "You have to play like this and sound like this. You have to have this kind of repertoire . You have to stand like this. No, you can't move around the stage. No you can't play that kind of music."

To be fair, I was in their music program so they of course should tell me how to play and what to play. The issue was that I didn't want to be there and play like that nor have that kind of pressure to better than my flautist peers. I didn't care that they were better than me. I just wanted to be creative and have fun with music.

I learned that I liked to play and create for my own enjoyment. Not anyone else's. I can't play classical music for the rest of my life to please anyone else. No, I'm going to play Lindsey Stirling music and create for my own enjoyment and if someone happens to like it, then great! This realization led me to leave the music program and become a Humanities major. Unfortunately, I let some people down by doing this, sorry dad!

The Perfect Boyfriend

I was told to break up with my boyfriend (now husband) by multiple people because he wasn't "churchy" enough by their standards. These were statements by people who didn't even know him and honestly, barely knew me. I understood where they were coming from but it wasn't for them to judge. And I knew that the bond I had/have with him is something that is once in a lifetime.

He understands me like no one else (except mom of course). He knows what I'm thinking even before I think it. He loves my corky personality! Before our honeymoon I said to him,"When we go to the Caribbean, I'm going to swim with a mermaid tail," and in response he said "Cool, I'll film you with the GoPro." And he did! How cool is that?!

He knows how to comfort me when my depression or anxiety surfaces. He lifts me up and encourages me in all my passions. He is very thoughtful and loving. My family loves him! My friends love him! Everyone who knows him, loves him! And we are best friends through thick and thin. Just like any relationship, ours isn't perfect but I couldn't have asked for anything better!

I couldn't imagine being with anyone else and I don't want to. I know that if I had taken their advice and broke up with him, I would surely have lost so much. Eternal life is nothing without true love. Thus, after I had described such a man, I kindly told them to not worry about my relationship. It is not their place.

Conclusion

There is a lot more to share but this post is getting very long. Perhaps they will be stories for another time. Obviously, I didn't take any advice the following people gave me. I decided to not live for anyone else but ME. I believe it's important to consider advice when given especially from loved ones, but we should always be true to ourselves. After deciding to be true to myself in all situations, I became incredibly happy and at peace! My friends, be who you are and love it! Live the way you want to live and which will bring you the most happiness and peace. Live for yourself!