Positivity VS Toxic Positivity

There seems to be a stigma with positivity that states we must be happy all the time and under all circumstances. Any other emotion besides that is negative and not valid. Thus, we have to use sheer will-power to get through anything and everything. However, this is Toxic Positivity.

Positivity is the act of choosing to be optimistic while progressing through your trials. This doesn’t mean you downplay your trials or feelings. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, anxious, and scared. Positivity is allowing yourself to feel those emotions and having hope. You can’t bottle up your feelings and move on. One way or another they will catch up to you in an unhealthy way.

Toxic Positivity is downplaying your trials and accompanying emotions while forcing you to move on. Toxic Positivity compares your trials to others, saying that you know nothing of sorrow, struggle or strife. Therefore, you have nothing to be sad about, but this is not true. You have a right to be sad that you failed your class; you have a right to be sad that you and Brad broke up; you have a right to be sad that a family member died.

Story Time:

A few years ago my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 (almost 4) breast cancer. For good reason, I was noticeably depressed about this. Even though she had a good chance of living, I was still heartbroken that she would have to go through such a trial. And watching her go through it was immensely painful.

One day, I went to my college class and an older man in my class told me that my trial was nothing compared to his experience fighting in the Vietnam War, where he saw his friends die and there was a great amount of blood-shed. “At least your mom is probably going to live,” he said. I agreed that his trial was immensely traumatic and I felt incredibly sorry for him.

At first I thought, “Wow there are people out there suffering more than I, and I just need to be positive and get over it.” Then later I realized, “This is my mother. The woman who has raised me and loved me my entire life and has not a selfish bone in her body. She is suffering. She feels like crap day in and day out and there is nothing anyone can do about it. She is deteriorating before my eyes. And she almost died. Had I not taken her to the emergency room on time she would have died. Of course this is reason enough to be sad! In fact, this is more than reason enough to be sad!” Thus, this did not mean that my trial was any less valid than the older man’s. It just meant that we had gone through different things.

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There is a place for ALL emotions. Being positive doesn’t mean we ignore them for the sake of being positive. It means that we acknowledge them, allow ourselves to feel them, cope with them and have hope. Will-power is not enough. We can’t get through trials with just a “can do,” attitude. We have to give ourselves permission to feel. For instance:

Scenario 1: You failed your math test.

Toxic Positivity: “Ok, so I failed. It’s not a big deal. It’s not the end of the world. I will get over it. I need to look on the bright side! I didn’t get into a car accident.”

Positivity: “I’m sad that I failed my math test but I know that I did the best that I could. I will ask for help from my teacher when I go to class on Monday. Everything will be ok.”

Scenario 2: You are having a difficult time finding a job.

Toxic Positivity: “Don’t worry! You will find something.”

Positivity: “I’m anxious and scared because looking for a job has been so difficult. I know that the job market is very competitive these days, so I know that it’s not me. I will keep doing my best and ask for help.”

Story Time:

Whenever a loved one would die, there would always be that one person, although well-intentioned, that would not allow me to grieve. They would say, “Oh sweetie, they aren’t really gone. You know that. It will get easier. You just have to look on the bright side! They aren’t suffering anymore. And they wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

For the record, I am a firm believer that we will be reunited with our loved ones after death, but it doesn’t mean that because I believe this that I am not allowed to grieve. Giving myself permission to feel and to cope with those feelings is the only way to progress forward; It’s healthy! After I have grieved their death, I can then enjoy the sweeter moments of happiness.

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My friends, it is easy to fall into the toxic positivity mindset. I fall into it all the time. We are told by many people that we just need to “look on the bright side” or “see the light at the end of the tunnel.” However, this is not the way to move forward. If anything, it is taking a step backwards because we are denying the reality. We are denying our emotions. And the emotions will break through later on. Therefore, allow yourself to be positive the healthy way through coping with your emotions and having hope!